


The Rainbow Connection

by Lieju



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Gen, Happy pride month, Internalized Biphobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, but i got perryshmirtz on the brain so, can be read as platonic, distinguished gay/disaster bi solidarity, not really shippy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-09
Updated: 2019-06-09
Packaged: 2020-04-23 16:48:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19155067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lieju/pseuds/Lieju
Summary: Doofenshmirtz crossed his arms. “Hating rainbows is a perfectly legitimate evil motivation. Rainbows are happy and colorful and cute, which is so not evil. That's all.”Perry didn't buy that. There was more to this scheme.





	The Rainbow Connection

“Perry the Platypus! About time for you to show up.”

Perry gave an apologetic 'Krtrtrt' from the metal claw trap currently restraining him. He had been busy with a different engagement, and was hoping his nemesis would get this over quickly enough for him to make it to the party.

“Anyway!” Doofenshmirtz walked to the inator on his balcony. He patted it. “Behold! My antirainbowinator! Let me demonstrate-”

He turned the inator around and shot a ray at a box of Fruity Rainbow Flakes™. In a flash all color was drained from the box, leaving it black-and-white.

“Why did I build this, I hear you wondering? Well, you see Perry the Platypus, I have always hated _rainbows_.”

Perry remained silent.

“What?”

“...”

Doofenshmirtz crossed his arms. “It's a _perfectly_ legitimate evil motivation. Rainbows are happy and colorful and _cute_ , which is so not evil.”

An another silence fell.

“Okay okay _fine!_ ”

Doofenshmirtz gestured out of the window. “You know, every year there's this big _parade_ , and they go right past my building with their _rainbow_ flags and marching bands and rainbow... What is that even about, Perry the Platypus? Pride _this_ pride that, ugh, makes me sick!”

He stared at the platypus.

“...”

“Don't look at me like that. I'm _evil,_ remember? With my antirainbowinator I will ruin their little march, they will all go home, I don't have to _look_ at them, Roger doesn't get his little _photo-op..._ You know he's having a little speech as the mayor in the Danville Park afterwards? Probably something about 'oh look at me I'm so _nice_ and _tolerant_ ' even though-”

He seemed to notice the look Perry gave him.

“Not that I have anything against, _you know_ , but I don't get this _pride_ thing, I never had any reason to- And ugh, it's just...”

They stared at each other.

“So? Aren't you going to thwart me already?”

Perry just gave him a look.

“I will do it.” Doofenshmirtz waved his hand. “Because I hate rainbows. That's all.”

Doofenshmirtz tapped his foot.

Perry stared at him.

Doofenshmirtz suddenly found the ceiling very interesting.

Perry stared at him.

Doofenshmirtz sighed defeatedly. “Okay okay. It's not a big deal.”

“...”

“It's _not_. Okay so you remember Big Black Boots Boris the Bully? From my sand-related backstory? Uh. We were friends.”

He scratched his hair, suddenly sounding much more uncertain. Usually his backstories flowed freely from him, but now it was like every word was dragged out to fill the silence.

“He was _nice_ to me, originally. He was a year older than me and he liked when I talked to him about- he was a good _listener_ and- and cute- I liked to hang out with him a bit- a bit too much.”

The deafening silence fell once more, eventually forcing him to fill it again.

“A-and I didn't _mean_ to- but people noticed and you know how it is, or I guess _you_ wouldn't, but the other kids started to notice and it was awkward and this was around the time I had to wear _dresses_ too- At least my mother let that go since- since she said I had let it screw with my head and that it made me confused and that I thought I was a _girl_ and ANYWAY- Boris stopped talking to me and the whole sand-thing started...”

He waved his fist. “And _Roger_... He did giggle at me when I broke up with my first girlfriend, like sure, he was what, ten, but no one forced him to just tell his friends she broke up with me because she found out I was- And then when later on I took up art he was all 'oh yes that makes sense' with that _smug_ smile on his face and when I invited him to my wedding he was surprised and I'm sure part of it was him thinking I was-”

For the first time in a while he turned to look at Perry. “I'm not _gay_ , Perry the Platypus, you know that, right? I have had _girl_ friends. I was married and it breaking up had nothing to do with...”

“Krtrtrt.”

“Yes yes I know it's 2019 or 2012 or whatever year it is, I can say the word 'bisexual' what of it. It's not like I go on and on about it. You wouldn't get it, Perry the Platypus.”

Perry pointed at himself.

Doofenshmirtz gave him a look. “What?”

Perry patted his chest. “Krtrtrt.”

“You're gay?”

Perry nodded.

“No you're not.”

Doofenshmirtz looked away from the hurt look flashing on the platypus's face. “I mean you _can't_ be. You're a _good_ guy-”

Doofenshmirtz turned his back on him. “Don't look at me like that Perry the Platypus. Come on, thwarting time. Go on, escape the trap, punch me in the face, whump, big explosion, gay pride saved.”

He walked to his inator. “I'm going to do it. If I'm not going to have any pride why should _they_ get to? Unfair, that's what it is, so NO ONE WILL HAVE ANY-”

He was interrupted by a webbed foot hitting him.

Doofenshmirtz stumbled a bit before reaching for his inator again. “Took you long enough! I can already hear them coming- oh is that Love Händel? I did know Swampy came out as gay a while ago and I think everyone always knew about Bobbi, how nice of them to reunite for a- STAY STILL SO I CAN HIT YOU-”

The ray hit his TV instead.

“Ugh, back to black-and-white cinema for me I guess. Well I can pretend everything is an artsy European film. I really should have made this _easier_ to maneuver. Can't you stay still for a minute so I can zap all color out of you is that too much to ask?”

An another kick connected with his stomach, sending him flying against the inator.

“Hah! This time I left the self-destruct button out.”

The inator started to emit smoke in all the colors of the rainbow.

“ _Admittedly,_ I figured that was redundant given how easily this thing overloads-”

He was interrupted by a colorful explosion, and with a 'Curse you Perry the Platypus!' he was sent flying.

After creating a rainbow over the pride parade he landed in a bush.

“Nhgh.”

Doofenshmirtz stood up, giving a look at his once white labcoat, now showing all the colors of the rainbow. “Sort of a predictable result, really.”

A drag queen walking past gave him a thumbs up. “Woo! Pharmacist pride!”

Doofenshmirtz waved awkwardly. “Yeah thanks.”

He could feel something tugging at his labcoat.

“A pride platypus?”

The platypus wearing a rainbow flag rolled his eyes and pulled out a fedora.

“ _Perry_ the pride Platypus! Didn't you beat me up enough already?”

Perry took his hand and tugged at it.

“I think I'll just stay here. In the bushes. Until I can go... Home.”

He waved at the platypus. “I don't think I... You go, you have a gay old time. You get it? It was a... Pun. Eh.”

Perry let go of his hand.

“Wait.”

Doofenshmirtz rubbed the back of his neck. “I guess I could.. walk with you... Part of the way. As an _ally_.”

Perry took his hand again and led him to join the parade.

“It's very _loud_ here- Oh Love Händel are playing that song with the- you know, the lyrics- Gitchee gitchee goo...”

Doofenshmirtz looked down at the tiny platypus. “Just wait a second-”

He lifted Perry up and held him on his shoulders. “This is _good,_ right? You can see much better from here!”

“Krtrtrtrt.”

“Nice pride platypus!” someone running past said.

Doofenshmirtz waved back. “Thank you! He's gay! I'm proud for him!”

“Krtrtrtr.”

“You know,” Doofenshmirtz shrugged. “Baby steps.”

 


End file.
